Recently a Charismatic Christian named Sheldon shared with me some of the goofiest, weirdest examples of Satanic panic I have ever witnessed. And that’s saying something. As you peruse the Deep Thoughts of Sheldon, remember: He believes every word of this stuff, and I doubt he’s the only one. It’s folks like Sheldon who make me realize that the work of combatting anti-occult misinformation is far from over. We’ve got a lot to do. So in a way, I should be thanking him for reminding me.
– As “explained” in a YouTube slideshow, the Jonas Brothers (Evangelical Christian teenagers who sing for Disney) could be demonic entities. In the ’80s and ’90s, they were a Scandinavian black metal band called The Sanoj Brotherhood. By the power of Satan, they morphed themselves into wholesome American “brothers” in order to entice young girls to the dark side. The dark side of what? Shitty pop music?
The only “evidence” for this is that that Jonas is Sanoj spelled backward. Oh, and the music of both bands sucks some very serious ass.
Saturday Night Live spoofed this on Valentine’s Day by having Andy Samberg confront the Jonas Brothers with videos of an ’80s hair band. “This is you guys, isn’t it? Are you Highlanders?”
– Criss Angel is probably using demonic powers granted to him by the Devil. I asked Sheldon why he only suspects Criss Angel of making a pact with Satan, and not, say, Doug Henning. Sheldon’s reply: How else could he lie on broken glass and be run over by a steamroller without being harmed?
– Sheldon has worked with people from seven different Satanic covens operating in our province (which is overwhelmingly conservative and Christian, by the way). He knows Satanic breeders in our area. Also, a local man told him he was allowed to wander through a local Mormon “temple” (he meant a ward house) and discovered a room draped in black, adorned with an upside-down crucifix. My Mormon friend interrupted at this point in the conversation, for obvious reasons. He even offered to take Sheldon through the ward house in question to satisfy himself that no such room exists. Sheldon declined.
– Todd Bentley, the preacher who blessed Sheldon and his girlfriend, is a legitimate healer. Bentley’s the guy who made a name for himself by leading a spectacle-laden revival down in Florida last year, healing the elderly by kicking, punching, and kneeing them. Sheldon informed me that God asked Bentley to smack people around just to test him; God prevented actual physical contact from happening. (The numerous YouTube videos of Bentley using his “knee of God” indicate otherwise.) Sheldon believes Bentley’s claim of raising a dozen people from the dead during his revival; this is a routine occurrence in the Chinese underground church.
At any rate, Sheldon no longer believes that Bentley is a righteous man, because he was caught having an affair with a staffer. But the staffer was probably a plant, hired to lead Bentley astray.
– It’s good that California’s Proposition 8 passed. This will avert earthquakes. ‘Cause we all know that gayness, rather than seismic activity, creates earthquakes, right?