(above – Jeff and “Megan” in Oct. 2010)
“On occasions he would suddenly become even colder than the usual
“just being ignored”. And he would look at me with this intense stare
and accuse me of being a spy, sent to poison him.“
(This is Part II of “Jeff Rense’s Ninth Ex-Wife Speaks Out.” Part One is Here. )
I had never encountered anything like
this before. I thought I had married Dr. Jekyll, and then found myself
living with Mr. Hyde: the meanest, cruelest man I’ve ever known. I was
mortified, in shock, and afraid.
Unfortunately, I have no
family. I was raised by a single parent alcoholic mother (who had died
years ago.) We lived off of social security benefits since she had
Addison’s disease. She was extremely neglectful of me and my sister,
and often verbally abusive. I left home at 17, was completely on my
own, was very poor, working minimum wage jobs until I was 25.
had big dreams though, and was smart enough to win a full
scholarship to a good college. I
excelled, and continued on to get a PhD in physics from the top school
in the world (Caltech). I had overcome a lot in life – and did it on
my own. But, I was very much alone, and I didn’t know what to do in
this horrible situation. My sister and I were no
longer in contact.
I called a domestic violence hotline – as I was being psychologically abused. They
had little to help but tell me to leave.
But, I had nowhere
to go. I had no family. The intensity of my science career the
previous 15 years had precluding me from forming any strong social network – I
was completely alone, in a strange town with no car.
It quickly became clear that most everything Jeff had promised
me in the emails and on the phone were lies. He promised an
enormous amount of physical affection; he promised complete privacy on
the property for me; he promised I could raise the thermostat to 72
degrees in the winter. All of it were lies. I was told I would be loved and
appreciated more than ever before. I was not. He promised it was “our”
house and all decisions were 50:50. Etc. etc.
He would not let
me help him. I made food for him, and at first he refused to eat it! I
was preparing raw vegan fresh almond milk chocolate shakes, my
specialty! They are healthy and delicious! He said he wouldn’t have
one because it was too fattening (Jeff is a very skinny guy!).
said it was not nutritious enough. Finally, he drank one. And loved
it, and would let me make shakes every morning. He would say, “thank
you” as I set the shake down next to him working at his desk – but would
not even look up at me, or smile, or hug or kiss me. His “thank you”
as he stared at the screen was enough appreciation in his opinion.
On occasions he would suddenly become even colder than the usual
“just being ignored”. And he would look at me with this intense stare
and accuse me of being a spy, sent to poison him.
He accused me of
forcing him to get married – he said he never wanted to, even though all
our emails and phone calls, and him bringing it up first, and him
proposing to me over the intercom in an Atlanta, Georgia airport
terminal — all of course indicated to me that he wanted to be married! He
got very paranoid that we were legally bound, and wanted to get legally
unmarried, while remaining, in practice a married couple.
once raged at me for almost an hour about how closed minded I was about
UFOs, and this is despite that I actually was a UFO believer most my
life, it’s just that when I went looking for evidence, there was none,
except for stories of people seeing odd things – and that was not
technically very good evidence. He spent a full hour yelling at me,
telling me I was basically inhuman because I was not as enamored with
Mario Lanza as he was.
These two events happened in the first
week. I was literally in shock, and just let him yell at me – it didn’t
make any sense. I quietly sat there as he went on and on…
“GOOD JEFF” — “MEAN JEFF”
I would complain and say that I wanted to leave. The first time I threatened to leave, Jeff immediately changed back into the romantic, caring, loving man I had
fallen for! I was so relieved to have him back – I was very happy with “good Jeff” – we were
great pals. We loved each other very much.
“Good Jeff” is affectionate and listens if I
have a valid complaint, and works out a solution.
everything was okay, but after several hours, “mean Jeff” would return.
Often the act of sitting at his computer for so many hours would make him become very mean to me.
our initial arrangements, he had promised to sell the website. He said
he had a buyer and we would have plenty of
time together. Both of us had very hard
upbringings, and worked very hard in our jobs. We were ready to relax
and enjoy life. Jeff was to continue his radio program – which
I was a huge supporter of. I lay next to him on the floor, or would lay in our nearby bed during his programs and listen in on
I threatened to leave on perhaps seven occasions and all seven
times this brought out “good Jeff” – who did not want me
to leave! I really didn’t want to leave either – I had nowhere to go.
I had no job;the economy was in the dumps, and I had just left a
field that you don’t just jump back into….
I wanted to live a
happy life with “good Jeff”. I truly loved him more than any
man in my life. I thought we could work through his personality issue. I thought I could change and he would be happier with me. I
thought I could help change him.
Around the eighth time, he said,
“OK, you leave”. And he indeed forced me out of his home. I did not
want to go. I promised I would stop crying (he was very annoyed that I
would cry when he was mean) and I did! I was afraid to be
on my own economically – I knew I wouldn’t do well. I also was not
feeling well physically, and the experience with Jeff was certainly
breaking me psychologically.
MOVING OUT (BUT NOT ON)
Seven weeks after moving in, Jeff forced
me to move into an apartment and cut me off financially. I
began living off of my savings. However, he did not leave me
alone! He emailed constantly, and when I would not answer, he would
threaten to send the police to my apartment (presumably for a welfare
The third time he did this, I went to the police
and told them of the harassment. They said they would not come if
Jeff called them.
February 18, 2011. I was completely alone and unemployed in a strange town where I knew nobody. I called local services asking for low cost domestic
violence counselors, and found one in March. She was my only link to
reality, my only “friend.”
She validated my experiences. She told me about a local park where I could go for walks. She told me about the local women’s shelter and
Between these resources, and my
voracious downloading of books and surfing the internet (I am an
intellectual – a big reader) in order to understand my situation, I came across Narcissistic Personality
It fit Jeff perfectly. The
books I read explained that although he was rejecting me, he would not actually leave me alone ever.
This is exactly what happened.
If I was drifting too far away from him emotionally, Jeff would become very loving again! I was very hopeful that we would
work things out and move back in together.
Then, after a wonderful weekend, or a wonderful series of weeks – he would
suddenly pull back and be cold. For instance, he had said he wanted me
to move back in during the summer of 2011. We had some great times
together during the next few weeks. And then, for no reason at all, he
announced that he didn’t think he wanted to live with ANY woman.
He often lied to me to the point of
“gaslighting” – telling me something happened that I just saw didn’t happen. He was
nice and then mean. He would be very cruel if I started crying,
and call me a “pathetic victim”. He was extremely jealous. He didn’t
want me to meet any people or make any friends. He was unconcerned
about my boredom and the emptiness of my life in the apartment
unemployed. He literally could feel no empathy for my situation. He
felt no remorse for his role … thought he was a wonderful guy.
To be continued...
To learn more about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, watch this series by Thomas Sheridan;
and, to learn how to heal, Surviving a Narcissist