SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: December 20, 2020 Edition

Read more on this subject: Humor
Opinion Column by John Semmens
Cuomo Rescinds Restroom Ban

In his continuing quest to crush the state's restaurant industry, New York's Democratic Gov. Andrew Cuomo issued an order banning outdoor diners from using restaurant restrooms. Spokesperson LaTrinia Johnson explained that "the move was a necessary codicil to the Governor's order banning all indoor dining. What would be the point of banning the indoor dining if patrons are allowed to enter the restaurant to use the restroom?"

Democratic Mayor Bill De Blasio, the normally doltish tyrant of New York City, called the ban "stupid. What are diners supposed to do?"

Ms. Johnson suggested that "the first advice I would give these restaurant diners is STAY HOME! Being at home alone is the best way to avoid contracting COVID. If you insist on going out to eat you could remember to bring a bucket, some toilet paper, and a bottle of hand sanitizer. If you forget, there's always the street or a nearby alley that might su
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